Well, you have some nerve mister. Besides, they're only HALF made up. Anyways, this is the tale of Darren Jankermite. Darren had an odd last name, but he always said it fit him well. We don't know how that could make any sense, but we just went along with it.

Darren Jankermite owned a tire factory in Middlebury, Ohio. (Please don't go look on a map of Ohio now to prove that there is no Middlebury, Ohio, I frankly could care less....like I already said, my stories are HALF made up, so go read on jerk!) He called the factory "Jankermite Tires" in honor of his great-grandfather, who shared the same last name.

Yes, many skeptics in Middlebury thought he named the factory after himself, but Darren insisted and persisted that it was his great-grandfather for whom he named the factory after. And so, life was good, but it could have been better. Tire sales had been down in recent years, seeing as how all these folk in Middlebury loved to run. So, Darren had to find a way to get people to stop running and start driving.

It was a tough challenge, and no one remembers how he did it, but trust us; he did.

So, now having people in Middlebury driving rather than running, tire sales were doing great. And then it dawned on him; why am I making tires? His one true dream was to write the great American novel, yet he had been told several times that this was impossible for him...he was Canadien, and would only be able to produce the great Canadien novel, something of less prestige.

But, Darren didn't let it get to him. He decided to apply for U.S. Citezinship. This was hard to do, but it wasn't that hard. After all, it's a lot harder being an illegal alien while owning a big tire corporation and maintaining a low profile all at once than getting a stupid ol' green card.

So, after a few weeks, he got his green card.

And here he is now, writing the great American novel (or at least trying). Yes, folks, I am THE Darren Jankermite. I have been pretending to be a high school student for the past thirty-two years while my company has been doing great, and the past year while getting my green card. So, now that I have all these things, there is nothing more for me to do but leave our lovely community, and move back to Middlebury, Ohio, where the grass is ALWAYS greener than your stupid snow, which is always blinding my aching eyes. And the water has sugar in it, because we LOVE the sweet taste! So, as you sleep all snug in your bed tonight, I hope you have just a little bit of trouble sleeping, now knowing that Shvotz, a.k.a. Chris Walker, was always just a petty little ol' sneaky Canadien business-man from Middlebury, Ohio. I hope your lives soon need my tires, for I crave nothing but money from the middle-class and more money from the high-middle class.

....now, remember, only HALF of this is true. Try figuring out which parts are real, and which are false. I think you'll be surprised with the results (wink wink).