"Alcohol - The cause of and solution to all of life's problems." --Homer
"What's so bad about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex." --Abe
"My story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say 'dickety' cause the Kaiser had stolen our word 'twenty', I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles." --Abe
"D'oh!" --Homer
"Who shot who in the what now?" --Jasper
"Yar, I'm unattractive." --Sea Captain
"Cool, now can we get going? I got a hot date tonight. (buzz) OK, dinner with a friend. (buzz) Fine! Fine! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. (buzz) alright, Sears Catalog." --Moe Syzlack
"THAT'S TENNIS!?!? Then what's the sport where the chicks wail on each other? (BART: Foxy Boxing?) YES!! That's what I wanted!" --Homer