"Dem jigger ass lyrics are da sh t"
-Matt Pautz, responding to 'why do you like rap?'
"They don't count for that much anyway."
--Ms. Meyer, in reference to the final exams
"I don't like that white stuff in there."
--Ms. Kenny
"There is madmen in the world and there are terror."
--George W. Bush
"People who like this sort of thing will find this to be the sort of thing that they like."
--Abraham Lincoln
"Everybody! Just pass the peace pipe!" - Ms. Kenny
"You better shake that good or else you'll get chunks, and I'll tell ya what. Chunks are no laughing matter."
--Jarod Fletcher
"Bert is that way."
--Nate Dederich
"Why bury the dead when you can feed them to the homeless?"
--Krista Brickbauer & Whitney Dirks
"And I'm orange, you motherf cker"
--Bert
Nick: Let's vote.
Nate McDonald: We already voted.
Nick: Let's vote again. I like to vote.
"If the left side itches, then you have to scratch the right side, too. But if the right side itches, then it's all good."
--Chris
"'Drugged' is when you have incapacitated someone or filled them with medicine."
-Ms. Kenny
"Oh, beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain
For strip-mined mountains' majesty, above the asphalt plane
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee
And hides the pines with billboard signs from sea to oily sea"
--George Carlin
"I'm not even thinking right now, I'm just saying things."
-Ms. Kenny
"That's the best kind of sausage there is!!"
-Ms. Kenny
"I never been to an orgy of any kind, unless you consider pulling thumb tacks out of your ass an orgy. Or if you consider getting your left testical smashed by a billiard ball, and having it swell up to the size of a tangerine an orgy, then call me Mr. Orgy!!"
-Mick Foley
"While you're out gay-bashing, I'm gonna be at your house, f ckin' your girlfriend." -- Little Jimmy Urine, of Mindless Self-Indulgence
"Beasts ferocious from hunger will swim across rivers:
The greater part of the region will be against the Hister, the great one will cause it to be dragged in an iron cage, when the German child will observe nothing."
-Nostradamus, Great Predictor
"It's not so bad, being trendy. Everyone who looks like me is my friend. Please don't hate me cuz i'm trendy. They're not gonna laugh at me again." -- Reel Big Fish, from the song "Trendy" "George-
Remember; no man is a failure if he's got friends."
-Clarence (from It's A Wonderful Life)
"You're special, just like everyone
else." -- Susan
"I hope you have the time of your life"
-Green Day
"i came across your site cuz i was
at stay-c's and i thought it was pretty hilarious, although some of your
rips on cheerleaders were not appreciated. i am not currently a cheerleader,
but i do know this: it takes devotion, hard work, concentration, flexibility,
hours on end of practice and memorization, and a sh t load of guts to do
that. so next time you feel like rippin on someone, pick on someone less
predjudiced against."
-- Tamara, about my site,
from an email to me
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
-Jack Handy
"I don't believe in self-important
folks who preach. No Bad Religion song can make your life complete."
-- Greg Graffin of Bad Religion from the song "No Direction"
Lady: "You're full of sh t, Glen."
Glen: "You're right. I am."
-The Perfect Storm
"Cheerleaders are dancers gone retarded."
-- Ian Roberts, from the terrible movie "Bring It On"
"I'll get you, batman"
-Colin from Who's Line is it Anyway?
"I have a runny nose all the time,
but it's not because I do cocaine." -- Ms. Kenny
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
-Jack Handy
"'Stupid cheerleader' is a redundancy."
-- Bert
"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I just ran out of bubble gum."
-Roddy Piper from They Live
"America: Land of the Free......free
to the power of the people in uniform." -- Corporate Avenger, from the
song "Peace Not Greed"
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
-Steven Wright
"Sh t happens, then you die." -- Jethro
"Anyway, to all of those people out there who still do not understand me, it's okay. You don't have to understand everyone or everything. It's part of the great mystery of life. And so, I guess, was I. And, as always, I tenk you veddy much."
-Andy Kaufman, to his father, after death
"Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify
as food court. Any eatery that operates outside of said designated
square is nothing more than an atonimous unit for mid-mall snacking." --
Brodie, from the movie "Mallrats"
"Oh, sure, you've seen TV commercials wherein the Cheerful Housewife, standing in a bathroom, waltzes up to a scum-encrusted tile, sprays it with a cleanser, and then wipes it off to reveal a sparkling shine. But these commercials were not filmed on Earth; they're filmed on the Commercial Planet, where everything is different; where fast-food-chain employees really are happy to serve you; where there is some meaningful difference between Coke and Pepsi; and where 'light' beer does not taste like weasel spit."
-Dave Barry
"Started talking sh t, wouldn't ya know? I reached back like
a pimp and I slapped the ho." -- Ice Cube, from the song "Boyz N The Hood,"
as sung by Mark Morris and Chad Robinson of Dynamite Hack
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."
-Jack Handy
"Sweet Sassy Molassy!" -- Ray Romano, from Saturday Night Live
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
-Groucho Marx
"All religions make me wanna throw up." -- Jello Biafra of the Dead
Kennedys, from the song "Religious Vomit"
"Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal."
-Steven Wright
"I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that."
-Jack Handy
"Taxes are stealing!" -- Corporate Avenger
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-Groucho Marx
"There's goop all over the phone and pleasant all over the bill." --
Dave Quackenbush of The Vandals, from the song of the same name
"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
-George (not "W") Bush
"There are times when you find lobsters in a bucket can't climb out.
Why won't they climb away? Because other lobsters pull them down."
-- The Bat Commander of The Aquabats, from the song "Lobster Bucket!,"
as sung by The Bat Commander, Jaime the Robot, Catboy, Chainsaw the Prince
of Karate, and Prince Adam, all of The Aquabats
"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment,
it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-Dan Quayle
"Like a dog on a leash, locked up with no keys, I gotta smoke under
cover, motherf ck the police." -- D-Loc of the Kottonmouth Kings, from
the song "Peace Not Greed"
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception!"
-Groucho Marx
"Now I wanna sniff some glue, now I wanna have something to do." --
The Ramones, from the song "Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue," as sung by Ben
Weasel & Danny Vapid of Screeching Weasel
"So Superman is flying in the sky, and he is incredibly horny, and hes looking on all these rooftops, and he sees Wonderwoman on the Justice League roof tanning nude. So he thinks, hell, I am faster than a speeding bullet, I could [(*editted*) have sexual intercourse with] her really quick and fly away before she knows what hit her! So he does, and she's like, "Woah! What Was that?!" And the invisible man says, "I dont know, but my asshole really hurts!"
-Sebastian, from Hollow Man
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."